The Bittersweet

A second class lower degree with a CGPA of 2.425 is nothing to be proud of to most people; why, to some it even means nothing short of embarrassing and is something to be ashamed off. Although I would have loved it if I have had the opportunity to graduate with a higher class and CGPA, the degree I received is a blessing that I am forever thankful for and would never be ashamed of, for the journey to graduation was a long and arduous one.

Frankly saying, there was a time when many would think I will never graduate; myself included. So to have been able to get up on that stage and receive my scroll that joyous day in July 2005 was a sweet victory, not only for me but also for my family (especially my older sister) who fought hard for me to be able to call myself a university graduate.

I suppose you might be wondering why I am making such a big deal about graduating. I mean if you were smart enough to be accepted into the university, how hard could it be to work hard and graduate? What’s the big deal? Millions of people go in and out of the ivory tower effortlessly, and it really should not be a capital issue to study and at the end of your program, graduate with ease.

Well, I am going to share with you my story and let you see why my university journey was made nearly impossible.

Growing up, school was effortless for me. I never really had to study to receive good grades. In my teens, I expected my rosy studying experience will continue with me right up to my university years. Through to form, after finishing my A-Levels, I was accepted into the English programme in the Modern Language Faculty at University Putra Malaysia (UPM) in 1999.

Unbeknownst to me, the first semester of my university life, I was manifesting the symptoms of a mental disorder. My mom suffered from schizophrenia a mental disorder which is defined as “a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behaviour, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation”, and it would seem that the first semester of my degree programme I was showing sign of a similar nature.

My family and my best friend could tell that I had succumb to the same illness as my mother, but I refused their attempts at reigning my erratic behaviour and so for that semester I was all over the place with a mind that was not sound whose thought process was not rational. I spent that entire semester thinking I was above everyone and did not need to attend class or do my school work and would simply ace all my registered paper by simply being brilliant.

Of course at the end of that semester I received mostly Fs with the exception of two subjects of which was Russian 1 which I received an A and a communication subject which I received a B. The Russian subject I aced because I really loved that subject and somehow managed to focus enough of my scattered thought to do the work necessary to get a good grade and the communication subject I passed mainly because it was entirely a group work assessment and my group mates carried me.

By the end of that semester my mind had calmed down enough and I was somehow back to as normal a mind set as I could after months of being on a ‘high’. Truth was I was not actually back on normal kilter because now I was on a downward spiral; the negative side of the disorder where your mood is low - basically depressive.

However the depressive episode was not so bad and I did all right in my second semester.

My memory is quite sketchy nowadays due to the medications I have to take after I was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder.

To allow you to understand what this disorder is I am quoting the description given in the Mayo Clinic website: “Schizoaffective disorder is a mental disorder in which a person experiences a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania. Schizoaffective disorder may run a unique course in each affected person, so it's not as well-understood or well-defined as other mental health conditions. Untreated schizoaffective disorder may lead to problems functioning at work, at school and in social situations, causing loneliness and trouble holding down a job or attending school.”

My illness remained untreated until my fourth semester when I relapsed again. However that episode was worse than the one which occurred in my first semester that my family finally brought me to the psychiatric clinic at Kuala Lumpur Hospital.

My condition was so severe that I had to be admitted to the psychiatric ward. I had to defer that semester and it was my sister who had to go all the way to the university’s academic department and fought hard to get me the deferment.

My doctors advised my family that they should let me quit the degree programme. They say that because of my illness it is not advisable for me to continue my education. My sister fought with the doctors and said that I will be able to finish my degree. That I must not be made to stop my degree because that would just lower my self-esteem.

My sister made sure the doctors wrote all the supporting documents needed so that I might give it to my lecturers when I return to school in order to make my lecturers aware of my condition in case they find me behaving oddly or lapsing in my concentration.

After I went back to school, I suffered from depression and did not actually want to attend class. My sister practically had to babysit me when I go to school to make sure I actually go to class and not skip it. She would wait in the car under the hot sun every day while I was in class.

There were times when even with my sister’s vigilance I managed to evade going to exams and classes and there goes another semester with bad results.

My entire undergraduate years were riddled with episodes of schizo-affective relapses where my studies were in jeopardy because my mind had decided to betray me by going off-kilter.

It was a struggle everyday to make sure that I go to class, do the work, do the exams – learn. And it was largely thanks to my big sister who did everything she could from making sure I go to class and exams, to helping me with my schoolwork that I was finally able to graduate after five years. What should have taken 3 years to finish took me five, thanks to my friend Mr Schizo-Affective Disorder.

But in the end despite my very own mind trying to sabotage my education journey, I triumphed over my own adversity and that was why on that day in July 2005, I was able to smile proudly as I received my scroll despite only receiving a second class lower degree with the CGPA of 2.425.

Success means different things to different people and on that day as I recall my bittersweet journey to get on that stage and received my degree, I felt extremely successful.