How do you tell them what worries you when you know top them it's just going to be another paranoia or delusion brought on by your psychiatric problem?
How do you tell your dad, your sis and your brother that your Mom has been haunting you since she left earth and has been calling you to join her since the first time you first started having those dreams...
That you even dream god saying to you that your days are numbered...
What if I die tomorrow and my family doesn't know how much I loved them? That the world never knew about the stories that I have to tell them... what if I died never experiencing true joy? What if I died and my life have been nothing but living a life in vain - pointless and wasteful?
Once a long time ago when I was around 15 or 16 I used to sing this rhyme I made my self = if I die, would you cry, bye, bye?
Nothing is as lonely as the thought that should you be gone tomorrow, no one would care or even be concerned that you lived at all...
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Empty
All the pretty, beautiful things in life all the colours I paint my life now is totally obscured by the bleakness that I feel.
I don't know the balancing act that my bi-polarity is going to head towards now but at this moment all I feel is overwhelmingly sad. Not depreseed, no... just sad... like a tragic heroine of old... like Buttercup in the princess bride who lost her westley at sea...
Of course I went through a really tough few week where I was really suicidal and saw no hope left in me to go on cause i was just really broken hearted... now I am just trying to adjust to a live back where I was living for the lat 8 years, empty but superficially functioning... It's either that or mania and depression... Normal as anyone else felt I've lost at the age of 16 when I gave up any hope of a life when the boy I've loved sine I was 12 left me for good and I know my heart left this earth with him....
I don't know if I'll ever get back my heart/part of my soul until I feel my heart skipped a beat once more like the last time I ever laid eyes on LSM.
I know it might seems overtly dramatic or stupidtly pointless, but the day my angel left me, I lost a part of me that I can never regain. I've lived another lifetime without him and I managed a semblance of a life, crazy as it had been after my troubled twenties... I thought I've settled down after I lost my mom... Just the usual emptiness of not having Mommy around.
But life had started to look promising again since last year up until Jun when I felt my heart wanting to restart itself again and I have been searching every which way who is it that was responsible to rekindling the dearth of feelings I have been navigating away from... only to get burn every where I look...
And now I am just tired.
I don't know the balancing act that my bi-polarity is going to head towards now but at this moment all I feel is overwhelmingly sad. Not depreseed, no... just sad... like a tragic heroine of old... like Buttercup in the princess bride who lost her westley at sea...
Of course I went through a really tough few week where I was really suicidal and saw no hope left in me to go on cause i was just really broken hearted... now I am just trying to adjust to a live back where I was living for the lat 8 years, empty but superficially functioning... It's either that or mania and depression... Normal as anyone else felt I've lost at the age of 16 when I gave up any hope of a life when the boy I've loved sine I was 12 left me for good and I know my heart left this earth with him....
I don't know if I'll ever get back my heart/part of my soul until I feel my heart skipped a beat once more like the last time I ever laid eyes on LSM.
I know it might seems overtly dramatic or stupidtly pointless, but the day my angel left me, I lost a part of me that I can never regain. I've lived another lifetime without him and I managed a semblance of a life, crazy as it had been after my troubled twenties... I thought I've settled down after I lost my mom... Just the usual emptiness of not having Mommy around.
But life had started to look promising again since last year up until Jun when I felt my heart wanting to restart itself again and I have been searching every which way who is it that was responsible to rekindling the dearth of feelings I have been navigating away from... only to get burn every where I look...
And now I am just tired.
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