Empty

All the pretty, beautiful things in life all the colours I paint my life now is totally obscured by the bleakness that I feel.

I don't know the balancing act that my bi-polarity is going to head towards now but at this moment all I feel is overwhelmingly sad. Not depreseed, no... just sad... like a tragic heroine of old... like Buttercup in the princess bride who lost her westley at sea... 

Of course I went through a really tough few week where I was really suicidal and saw no hope left in  me to go on cause i was just really broken hearted... now I am just trying to adjust to a live back where I was living for the lat 8 years, empty but superficially functioning... It's either that or mania and depression... Normal as anyone else felt I've lost at the age of 16 when I gave up any hope of a life when the boy I've loved sine I was 12 left me for good and I know my heart left this earth with him....

I don't know if I'll ever get back my heart/part of my soul until I feel my heart skipped a beat once more like the last time I ever laid eyes on LSM.

I know it might seems overtly dramatic or stupidtly pointless, but the day my angel left me, I lost a part of me that I can never regain. I've lived another lifetime without him and I managed a semblance of a life, crazy as it had been after my troubled twenties... I thought I've settled down after I lost my mom... Just the usual emptiness of not having Mommy around.

But life had started to look promising again since last year up until Jun when I felt my heart wanting to restart itself again and I have been searching every which way who is it that was responsible to rekindling the dearth of feelings I have been navigating away from... only to get burn every where I look...

And now I am just tired.