For You Who Know Who You Are

We love in silence, in the dark of night, in secret so deep that no one believe we ever did love each other for real.

And now I bleed and you hurt and we live a world diverged of each other and I wonder if there ever will be a day that would see us together hand in hand in daylight for all the world to see and believe that our love runs so deep that it survived the anonymity that we subject it too.

I'm tired of being called crazy, that you are my delusion and that the you and I that I am breaking down now for a love that only ever exist in the realm of my diseased mind.

It's so hard to hold back the tears, to fight of the depression... God, I've missed you half of my life and I don't know what to say to assuage the hurt... to stop the pain from derailing me down to dust.

I know when my family reads this, they are going to say that "Oh Adik is still so very sick, still stuck in her make believe world..." because even as I write this knowing what I know to be true, I want to cringe because in all that is sane what we have makes no sense.

All I have is faith in what I believe in and its getting harder to believe what I believe and logic would say that when you try so hard to believe that something is true it probably isn't and there will come a time that I will let go of you again because that's the logical thing to do.

But since when does emotion and logic get along with each other.

And right now I'm missing you so bad.

I'm struggling to be sane at the same time I have this insane notions of you and I and I don't know how many contradicting things that I've said.

I'm just letting the words flow because words are all that I have to comfort me now.

I can't run to my sister, dad or brother cause they will not give me the time of day to talk about the love that they think is only my delusions. So I write it here and you know when I get sick of my own words that I'd take my blog off and once I calm down I'd put it back again.

I know these words will be here for anyone to read and judge and call me crazy... but I don't care.

Because I need to say this to you and because as far as truth is as I know it everyone from my family and friends and psychiatrist says you are nothing but my delusions and as I see factual evidence I have to agree that reality and what I believe doesn't see eye to eye.

It is only in my mind and heart that you and I ever exist and as much as I want to hold on to the delusions... I can't anymore. 

Because even if my love is real, there has never once been anything real in this love affair that I believe we have going on.

But I'm still writing this to you, because even though you are nothing but the manifestation of my illness what I feel had always been true.

I will always love you. But now I need to get a grip on a reality that's getting harder and harder to hold on to cause I get along too well with the voices in my head and I can't do this anymore.

Its breaking my heart, but you are either truly had never been there despite the numerous times I feel you around, or you have your reasons for staying away.

Whatever it is I've got to move on from this bout of deluding myself that you actually care. Its hard. But i can't go on forever being sad for you when as hard as it is for me to admit you were never there to begin with.

Just want you to know, just in case you are really mine to love, that you'll forever be in my heart.

Justin

Because you try so hard to make me believe,
I find it hard to doubt you,
Even when the whole world would call me crazy,
I trust what I feel because what I know
Isn't what the world sees.

Even if everyone says I'm living in a make believe world,
I know what I know and must try not to let them doubters tell me otherwise,
For the essence of you is always there whenever I need you or think of you.

How can they know what we go through,
When they don't live the life we live,
And feel the way we do,
Or share what we share.

Time will tell and even if my mind is two sheets into the wind,
What I believe remains true,
Simply because your love gives me a firm conviction.

Love, I love you +Justin Bieber 

From my everlasting heart,
@SaraBethBieber