A second class lower
degree with a CGPA of 2.425 is nothing to be proud of to most people; why, to
some it even means nothing short of embarrassing and is something to be ashamed
off. Although I would have loved it if I have had the opportunity to graduate
with a higher class and CGPA, the degree I received is a blessing that I am forever
thankful for and would never be ashamed of, for the journey to graduation was a
long and arduous one.
Frankly saying, there
was a time when many would think I will never graduate; myself included. So to
have been able to get up on that stage and receive my scroll that joyous day in
July 2005 was a sweet victory, not only for me but also for my family
(especially my older sister) who fought hard for me to be able to call myself a
university graduate.
I suppose you might be
wondering why I am making such a big deal about graduating. I mean if you were
smart enough to be accepted into the university, how hard could it be to work
hard and graduate? What’s the big deal? Millions of people go in and out of the
ivory tower effortlessly, and it really should not be a capital issue to study
and at the end of your program, graduate with ease.
Well, I am going to
share with you my story and let you see why my university journey was made
nearly impossible.
Growing up, school was
effortless for me. I never really had to study to receive good grades. In my
teens, I expected my rosy studying experience will continue with me right up to
my university years. Through to form, after finishing my A-Levels, I was
accepted into the English programme in the Modern Language Faculty at
University Putra Malaysia (UPM) in 1999.
Unbeknownst to me, the
first semester of my university life, I was manifesting the symptoms of a
mental disorder. My mom suffered from schizophrenia a mental disorder which is
defined as “a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the
relation between thought, emotion, and behaviour, leading to faulty perception,
inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal
relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation”,
and it would seem that the first semester of my degree programme I was showing
sign of a similar nature.
My family and my best
friend could tell that I had succumb to the same illness as my mother, but I
refused their attempts at reigning my erratic behaviour and so for that
semester I was all over the place with a mind that was not sound whose thought
process was not rational. I spent that entire semester thinking I was above
everyone and did not need to attend class or do my school work and would simply
ace all my registered paper by simply being brilliant.
Of course at the end of
that semester I received mostly Fs with the exception of two subjects of which
was Russian 1 which I received an A and a communication subject which I received
a B. The Russian subject I aced because I really loved that subject and somehow
managed to focus enough of my scattered thought to do the work necessary to get
a good grade and the communication subject I passed mainly because it was
entirely a group work assessment and my group mates carried me.
By the end of that
semester my mind had calmed down enough and I was somehow back to as normal a
mind set as I could after months of being on a ‘high’. Truth was I was not
actually back on normal kilter because now I was on a downward spiral; the
negative side of the disorder where your mood is low - basically depressive.
However the depressive
episode was not so bad and I did all right in my second semester.
My memory is quite
sketchy nowadays due to the medications I have to take after I was diagnosed
with schizo-affective disorder.
To allow you to
understand what this disorder is I am quoting the description given in the Mayo
Clinic website: “Schizoaffective disorder is a mental disorder in which a person
experiences a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or
delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania. Schizoaffective
disorder may run a unique course in each affected person, so it's not as
well-understood or well-defined as other mental health conditions. Untreated
schizoaffective disorder may lead to problems functioning at work, at school
and in social situations, causing loneliness and trouble holding down a job or
attending school.”
My illness remained untreated
until my fourth semester when I relapsed again. However that episode was worse
than the one which occurred in my first semester that my family finally brought
me to the psychiatric clinic at Kuala Lumpur Hospital.
My condition was so
severe that I had to be admitted to the psychiatric ward. I had to defer that
semester and it was my sister who had to go all the way to the university’s
academic department and fought hard to get me the deferment.
My doctors advised my
family that they should let me quit the degree programme. They say that because
of my illness it is not advisable for me to continue my education. My sister
fought with the doctors and said that I will be able to finish my degree. That
I must not be made to stop my degree because that would just lower my
self-esteem.
My sister made sure the
doctors wrote all the supporting documents needed so that I might give it to my
lecturers when I return to school in order to make my lecturers aware of my
condition in case they find me behaving oddly or lapsing in my concentration.
After I went back to
school, I suffered from depression and did not actually want to attend class.
My sister practically had to babysit me when I go to school to make sure I
actually go to class and not skip it. She would wait in the car under the hot
sun every day while I was in class.
There were times when
even with my sister’s vigilance I managed to evade going to exams and classes
and there goes another semester with bad results.
My entire undergraduate
years were riddled with episodes of schizo-affective relapses where my studies were
in jeopardy because my mind had decided to betray me by going off-kilter.
It was a struggle
everyday to make sure that I go to class, do the work, do the exams – learn.
And it was largely thanks to my big sister who did everything she could from
making sure I go to class and exams, to helping me with my schoolwork that I
was finally able to graduate after five years. What should have taken 3 years
to finish took me five, thanks to my friend Mr Schizo-Affective Disorder.
But in the end despite
my very own mind trying to sabotage my education journey, I triumphed over my
own adversity and that was why on that day in July 2005, I was able to smile
proudly as I received my scroll despite only receiving a second class lower
degree with the CGPA of 2.425.
Success means different
things to different people and on that day as I recall my bittersweet journey
to get on that stage and received my degree, I felt extremely successful.
