Unwell

How do you express your gratitude to someone who did you a tremendous kindness without ever having had the intention of doing so in the first place?

How do you let that same person know how he or she had touched your life and made it better than it was before being touched by that said kindness?

It is not an easy feat. Especially when that person doing that kindness is a superstar so far out of your league that it is difficult to connect with them and let them know how their existence and craft made yours greater by many ridiculous excessive degree?

I talk in riddles...

I just wanted to thank Matchbox Twenty for their inspiring and moving music but especially for the song 'Unwell' released in 2007.

Never had a song from any artist or band living or dead touched my heart and affected me so viscerally in such a personal and private way that sometimes if I allow myself the delusion I could almost hear Rob telling me in a kind way that although he wrote the song due to his experiencing panic attacks when he first moved to New York, he also meant for me to ascribe myself to the song as well.

The song is that close and reflective of my life that sometimes I can't help but gasped in awe whenever I hear the song, especially when I am going through moments when I have reasons to doubt my sanity.

The words: I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell, but stay awhile than maybe you will see a different side of me, has been the soothsayer that had managed to keep my doubts and insecurities where my sanity is concerned at bay.

And for this wonderful act that Rob did unwittingly for me when he penned those words to Unwell, I will remain forever grateful, thankful and loyal as his ultimate fan.

Lyrics to Unwell

Staring at the ceiling 

Making friends with shadows on my wall 

All night 

Hearing voices telling me 

That I should get some sleep 

Because tomorrow might be good for something 

Hold on 

I'm feeling like I'm headed for a 

Breakdown 

I don't know why 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 

I know, right now you can't tell 

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 

A different side of me 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired 

I know, right now you don't care 

But soon enough you're gonna think of me 

And how I used to be 

Me 

Talking to myself in public 

Dodging glances on the train 

I know 

I know they've all been talking 'bout me 

I can hear them whisper 

And it makes me think there must be something wrong 

With me 

Out of all the hours thinking 

Somehow 

I've lost my mind 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 

I know, right now you can't tell 

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 

A different side of me 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired 

I know right now you don't care 

But soon enough you're gonna think of me 

And how I used to be 

I been talking in my sleep 

Pretty soon they'll come to get me 

Yeah, they're taking me away 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 

I know, right now you can't tell 

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 

A different side of me 

I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired 

I know, right now you don't care 

But soon enough you're gonna think of me 

And how I used to be 

Hey, how I used to be 

How I used to be, yeah 

Well I'm just a little unwell 

How I used to be 

How I used to be 

My Secret Love 3

I know it is wrong, but what can I do when my heart doesn't want to be right?

But I've made up my mind, and there is no turning back.

I am giving us until the end of the year and we will know by then whether we should go on or finally make a clean break with each other.

I have even written the 'Dear John' letter to send to him. I will post it here at the end of the year if that is where I'm heading - Heartbreak City.

It should not be too devastating after all, because this time it would be my own informed decision that would break us apart, and this time there will be no regrets and no more endless what ifs that I have been postulating ever since he walked out of my life at age 19.

This time I will know why our love ended - because I do not want to be a home-wrecker and should not put his lovely wife and kids through a wretched divorce just because their father and husband happened to still carry feelings for his very first love. 

So... to all intent and purpose I will be single once more once the New Year rolls in and will take time to recover from losing the only man I have ever loved in my entire adult life.

Was easier when I was deluding myself with a secret love affair with Nick Carter of BSB - it ache less and I knew from the begining it was never going to go anyway.

This hope that 'Darrel' dangles in front of me like I am a rabbit waiting for his generous serving of delicious and juicy carrots, is just too hard on my fragile, loving and forgiving heart.

The End

Daddy

Disown you I did at age 20,
You were mean and cruel to me,
I resented you with all that I was,
Such was the pain,
Directed each and every way.

You loved me still,
Despite my angry shrill,
Denying all you ever did,
Believing that you never really cared.

Bitter recriminations
I direct at your feet,
You were the knife making my heart bleed;
Such was the blinding anger,
That I did not see,
it wasn't you at all,
But merely psychotic me reigning free.

Even now, I resent you still,
You are always keeping me hostage behind the house grill,
Denying me freedom to function and live as I want,
Such is the hateful thought I build up in my head,
When sense fled and unreasoned sadness are all that's left.

Daddy love,
You know me better than I know myself,
Though my cruelty caused by my recurring insanity surely guts you,
You know I remain true,
Although I've made you incredibly blue,
You know in my hearts' of heart, I always love you and always will.

Continuation

Right. My previous post about getting my heart back... I did say I would continue... so here is the continuation:

I joined Helium.com a place for writers and writers wanabes could share their work and compete in bi-weekly contest for prizes.

I was rather active when I first started at that website.

Anyhow, after 6 months in of writing continuously  I received a message in my Helium inbox telling me how he liked what I wrote and asking me some personal detail about me that only a friend would know. 

I answered, flattered and curious. The communication goes on and on for about a month, until finally he asked, 'Do you remember a young man of 23 in 1997 who met you in MIRC and started a relationship with you who goes by the name of 'Darrel Robin Thompson'.

And I was like... OMG! This must be a dream for it could not possibly be my reality.

To make a lengthy tale short, suffice is to say, Darrel walked back into my life and told me why he left me all those years ago.

I did not reply his message after that for 3 months. I was sure this was a con job  We have all had it before where a guy who seems too good to be true promises you the world and all you could ever want from it... when all he is doing is trying to warm you up enough that you would be so careless with your money.

ii

During the months I was cold-shouldering me he did not stop messaging me at Helium. I have not given him my e-mail or any other details.

iii

Hani,
I know it sounds too fantastical to be real, but this is the truth that I hid from you all those years ago for the very reason that you are proving me right now: Your reaction to my revelation.

If you would only give me your YM or SKYPE id I can solve this really easily - we could have a video chat and you would see that I am who I say I am and not some dude trying to pull a fast one on you.

I don't know how much you know about me, but I presume you know very little. I have linked you to a website that details my life up till today and you could read it and maybe you will see that I am the Real McCoy and not some wannabe who gets his jacks up by pretending to be someone he is not.

Give me, give US a chance.

iv

A month after that, I relented and gave him all my details and I had my very first Skype chat with him on November 2012 one cold night when I could not sleep.

....to be continued...

My Secret Love

I know it sounds, and looks like it is coming out of my overactive and delusional mind as it is similar to the situation in my early twenties when I was in love and totally obsessed with Nick from BSB.

I know when I was sick then I actually believe that Nick was my fiance and was getting married to me anyday.

I know my history and I am not denying it... But this is not the same situation.

HE is real. He is as fantastical as Nick maybe even more so, however our love, such as it has been is real.

Just because I never tell anyone about him and our love strory, does not make it any less true and real.

I feel how I feel and love as I do and it does not involve anyone other than the two of us.

To clarify my situation now, I will write the story of how our love develop.

Hang on to your seats and be prepared for a lengthy story for this secret love is 16 years in the making!

How I feel when HE describes me as such. True situation

I first met him when I was about to turn 18. About a month or so before my 18th birthday.

I met him one lonely night while I was searching for someone to talk to on IRC.

Back then Malaysians have yet to be banned from those channels.

This was before Skype, YM and FB.

There was this nice 'BOY' who introduces himself as 'Darrel Robin Thomson'.

Even in the begining I knew he was hiding something from me, but I did not make a big deal of it because in other aspects he was a wonderful friend.

As the months passed and we continue to chat daily every free chance we had, our friendship grew into love and by the time I was about to turn 19 I was convince that he was the ONE. My one true love, my soul mate, my other half put on this earth so we will make one inseparable whole. 

3 months after that epiphany I had, he left me high and dry. Just a total cut off. No more mails in my inbox no more chatting in our very own special room for which he created just for me, no more Darrel.

I was heartbroken. The first time I became heartbroken. I was crushed, depressed and suicidal.

I keep asking myself, what went wrong. Why did he leave me so suddenly without ever saying goodbye or ending our brief online romance by telling me we are through.

It was like last night we were happily making plans for the future (I was going to continue my studies in Harvard where he was studying... at least that is what he told me) and the next day he was just gone.

Five months after me continuously relieving every moment we spent together, every loving phrases he ever said/wrote to me, he e-mailed me one single line after receiving numerous mails from me (I never stopped asking him why he left me without saying goodbye or breaking things off).

'Sorry, my computer broke down, and am at a friend's house.'

You couldn't imagine how happy I was to read that single line. So happy that for the next year and a half I reread that line about a million times.

However, what I viewed as a hopeful sign, was nothing more than him feeling guilty for leaving me so calously.

I never heard from him again.

I retreated into myself, shell-shocked and heartbroken... until I turned 22 and I met my classmate Lenny who was kind and gentle with me... but I just had a mild crush on him.

Never once after 'Darrel' left me so suddenly had I given away my heart to anyone else.

To my family, I am just too much of a hermit to want to go out and be in a relationshipo.

To my friends I said I just have not been lucky in finding the love of my life.

To strangers who aske when I chat with them on FB or YM I say I am just to obese for any man to want me and I have settled to being an old-maid.

Truth is, I am the type of person who so far had only been able to love one man and one man alone. I had given away my heart at age 18 and now at 34 I finally have it back.

....to be continued....

A week into my first ever teaching position!

I would like to think that the picture shown above is reflective of how I am handling my classes and interacting with the children who comes and goes through the glass door of the place I work.

But from the gentle reminder my senior mentor had to tell me in the midst of my 2\first class for today, brought me to the conclusion instead of the friendly, approachable and fun Mentor that I thought I was, I am actually more like the image I am inserting below:

But I hope now that it had been pointed out to me l\that I am more of a Genghis Khan than the Florence Nightingale I imagined myself as, I might be able to work on my teaching methods so I will resemble the following image better than what I am now:

However, despite my disturbing discovery that I am NOT the friendly, patient and approachable teacher I thought myself to be, I enjoy my new job immensely. I love interacting with the kids whom all these while I thought liked instead of feared me...

I will try to improve my approach to teaching so that one day I will deserve the wonderful poem written for wonderful teachers every where who inspire, educate and amaze students the world over on a daily basis; among which my sister is proudly and deservedly enshrined on the pedestal of INCREDIBLE educators.

Excitement Over My Second Job

I told my friend Su-Ling a month or so ago that I received an offer to work in Paris, France with a publishing company for 13 months starting next January.

What a laugh. You know there is no how and no way that that is ever going to happen; daddy will never allow it.

Anyhow, I was vascilitating between furthering my studies overseas and finding a good paying job locally.

In the end it wasn't my choice to make, but rather Destiny answered for me the questions I was finding hard to answer.

Instead of having to decide which road to take, the road presented itself to me when I was offered a job on the spot after I suppose I impressed the managing director and her partner.

It had never happened to me before and I didn't think people actually do offer prospective employees a job right there and then!

But that is what happened to me.

And now, while I'm awake way to early due to nervous excitement at starting my second job today... I wonder if I'll wimp out of this new job as I did with the job at Selangor Times two years back.

I hope not. I hope I won't ever forget how lucky I was to become employed by such an established company with such wonderful job environment.

Well... I am now dressed and ready for work but we wil only be leaving the house about two hours from now.

Well... that is all I have for this post.

Wish me the best of luck with my first day on the new job!