My Secret Love

I know it sounds, and looks like it is coming out of my overactive and delusional mind as it is similar to the situation in my early twenties when I was in love and totally obsessed with Nick from BSB.

I know when I was sick then I actually believe that Nick was my fiance and was getting married to me anyday.

I know my history and I am not denying it... But this is not the same situation.

HE is real. He is as fantastical as Nick maybe even more so, however our love, such as it has been is real.

Just because I never tell anyone about him and our love strory, does not make it any less true and real.

I feel how I feel and love as I do and it does not involve anyone other than the two of us.

To clarify my situation now, I will write the story of how our love develop.

Hang on to your seats and be prepared for a lengthy story for this secret love is 16 years in the making!

How I feel when HE describes me as such. True situation

I first met him when I was about to turn 18. About a month or so before my 18th birthday.

I met him one lonely night while I was searching for someone to talk to on IRC.

Back then Malaysians have yet to be banned from those channels.

This was before Skype, YM and FB.

There was this nice 'BOY' who introduces himself as 'Darrel Robin Thomson'.

Even in the begining I knew he was hiding something from me, but I did not make a big deal of it because in other aspects he was a wonderful friend.

As the months passed and we continue to chat daily every free chance we had, our friendship grew into love and by the time I was about to turn 19 I was convince that he was the ONE. My one true love, my soul mate, my other half put on this earth so we will make one inseparable whole. 

3 months after that epiphany I had, he left me high and dry. Just a total cut off. No more mails in my inbox no more chatting in our very own special room for which he created just for me, no more Darrel.

I was heartbroken. The first time I became heartbroken. I was crushed, depressed and suicidal.

I keep asking myself, what went wrong. Why did he leave me so suddenly without ever saying goodbye or ending our brief online romance by telling me we are through.

It was like last night we were happily making plans for the future (I was going to continue my studies in Harvard where he was studying... at least that is what he told me) and the next day he was just gone.

Five months after me continuously relieving every moment we spent together, every loving phrases he ever said/wrote to me, he e-mailed me one single line after receiving numerous mails from me (I never stopped asking him why he left me without saying goodbye or breaking things off).

'Sorry, my computer broke down, and am at a friend's house.'

You couldn't imagine how happy I was to read that single line. So happy that for the next year and a half I reread that line about a million times.

However, what I viewed as a hopeful sign, was nothing more than him feeling guilty for leaving me so calously.

I never heard from him again.

I retreated into myself, shell-shocked and heartbroken... until I turned 22 and I met my classmate Lenny who was kind and gentle with me... but I just had a mild crush on him.

Never once after 'Darrel' left me so suddenly had I given away my heart to anyone else.

To my family, I am just too much of a hermit to want to go out and be in a relationshipo.

To my friends I said I just have not been lucky in finding the love of my life.

To strangers who aske when I chat with them on FB or YM I say I am just to obese for any man to want me and I have settled to being an old-maid.

Truth is, I am the type of person who so far had only been able to love one man and one man alone. I had given away my heart at age 18 and now at 34 I finally have it back.

....to be continued....