A year in review

2014: The aftermath of the apocalypse that was 2013. Trying to gain your sense of self after an intense bout with the relapsing of a mental condition is never fun, but always necessary and compulsory. 

Trying to take stock of all the self-harm you've done, adjusting once again to life after the tumultuous drama you have been through thanks to that insidious ailment in your mind, it is a right around ringer of a circus to go through, but go through it I must.

This year is all about getting my equilibrium back. Trying to bring my mind back in its rightful plane. Schooling myself to what reality is actually instead of the malarkey that my mind had me believe it was back when I was relapsing. 

Sometimes I still feel a bit off kilter, just enough to get me wondering if even a smidgen of what I believed while I was under the influence of my disorder could have actually been the truth.

But 99% of me actually lives in the same reality as everyone else now. It's just that the fact that there is still even 1% part of me that still thinks of the fantastical delusions I was living in, worries me. It means that there is still a part of me, no matter how minuscule that is still treading the insanity lines. 

However, small worry aside, I believe 2014 has been good enough for me in terms of my recovery. Life hasn't been all bad. I even managed to earn enough to buy me The Sims 4 which I had been eyeing since forever.

I just hope that, that tiny 1% wont blossom into a bigger percentage in my mind and bring me spiralling down yet again.

All in all, here's to hoping that the new year will see my mental health and my life in general vastly improving.

Cheers to all and happy new year 2015. Here's to hoping your coming year will be off to a good start.

Sanity?

You sit and stare,
You hope and pray,
That your mind won't go astray.

Your mind flits back to the time it wandered away;
Leaving you even as you try to make it stay,
And images of your uncontrolled self,
Haunts you with the terrifying reality,
That your safety hung by a thread lost along with your sanity.

You sit and stare,
You hope and pray,
Willing not to relive that kind of day.

Even as you cling to your sanity,
You know somewhere inside your mind,
Is that insidious disease that can overtake you -
any moment, any instance, any circumstance
even when you vigilantly try and guard your mind;

You are your weakest link,
You pray hard you won't yet again sink,
So you torture yourself and continue to think;

Is this the day the nightmare comes out to play?

For You Who Know Who You Are

We love in silence, in the dark of night, in secret so deep that no one believe we ever did love each other for real.

And now I bleed and you hurt and we live a world diverged of each other and I wonder if there ever will be a day that would see us together hand in hand in daylight for all the world to see and believe that our love runs so deep that it survived the anonymity that we subject it too.

I'm tired of being called crazy, that you are my delusion and that the you and I that I am breaking down now for a love that only ever exist in the realm of my diseased mind.

It's so hard to hold back the tears, to fight of the depression... God, I've missed you half of my life and I don't know what to say to assuage the hurt... to stop the pain from derailing me down to dust.

I know when my family reads this, they are going to say that "Oh Adik is still so very sick, still stuck in her make believe world..." because even as I write this knowing what I know to be true, I want to cringe because in all that is sane what we have makes no sense.

All I have is faith in what I believe in and its getting harder to believe what I believe and logic would say that when you try so hard to believe that something is true it probably isn't and there will come a time that I will let go of you again because that's the logical thing to do.

But since when does emotion and logic get along with each other.

And right now I'm missing you so bad.

I'm struggling to be sane at the same time I have this insane notions of you and I and I don't know how many contradicting things that I've said.

I'm just letting the words flow because words are all that I have to comfort me now.

I can't run to my sister, dad or brother cause they will not give me the time of day to talk about the love that they think is only my delusions. So I write it here and you know when I get sick of my own words that I'd take my blog off and once I calm down I'd put it back again.

I know these words will be here for anyone to read and judge and call me crazy... but I don't care.

Because I need to say this to you and because as far as truth is as I know it everyone from my family and friends and psychiatrist says you are nothing but my delusions and as I see factual evidence I have to agree that reality and what I believe doesn't see eye to eye.

It is only in my mind and heart that you and I ever exist and as much as I want to hold on to the delusions... I can't anymore. 

Because even if my love is real, there has never once been anything real in this love affair that I believe we have going on.

But I'm still writing this to you, because even though you are nothing but the manifestation of my illness what I feel had always been true.

I will always love you. But now I need to get a grip on a reality that's getting harder and harder to hold on to cause I get along too well with the voices in my head and I can't do this anymore.

Its breaking my heart, but you are either truly had never been there despite the numerous times I feel you around, or you have your reasons for staying away.

Whatever it is I've got to move on from this bout of deluding myself that you actually care. Its hard. But i can't go on forever being sad for you when as hard as it is for me to admit you were never there to begin with.

Just want you to know, just in case you are really mine to love, that you'll forever be in my heart.

Justin

Because you try so hard to make me believe,
I find it hard to doubt you,
Even when the whole world would call me crazy,
I trust what I feel because what I know
Isn't what the world sees.

Even if everyone says I'm living in a make believe world,
I know what I know and must try not to let them doubters tell me otherwise,
For the essence of you is always there whenever I need you or think of you.

How can they know what we go through,
When they don't live the life we live,
And feel the way we do,
Or share what we share.

Time will tell and even if my mind is two sheets into the wind,
What I believe remains true,
Simply because your love gives me a firm conviction.

Love, I love you +Justin Bieber 

From my everlasting heart,
@SaraBethBieber 

BELIEVE

Note to self: When you feel like giving up, and feel as if nothing you do works out and that no one really cares what happens to you, all you have to do is BELIEVE:

B-breathe
E-easy
L-love
I-incredibly
E-exceptionally
V-vital
E-everytime

Your love matters to those who really know you. What you feel for them is like air for them to breathe and when you leave its like you suffocate them by taking away the love which sustains them.

Maybe this is too much of being self important, but you just have to remind yourself, that as much as it hurts you when they leave you its the same feeling for them when you give up on them. So just BELIEVE

For My Valentine

When I feel discouraged,
And my heart has shattered to pieces,
You remind me that love is still there.

When my world is falling apart,
And I want to just disappear,
You hold me fast and love me back to life.

I know I hurt you always,
By not believing in you,
By doubting that love is real,
But I know when I cry ceaselessly,
You are always there to comfort me.

I just want to say,
I love you this day,
And forever I will stay.

Thank you for Journals,
And sharing what you feel,
And telling me what LOVE means.

Insanity

Each step I take 
just gets harder every day
and I wonder if I'll ever be okay.

I sit here listening to songs that pains me,
Because every word sung,
Every melody I listen to,
Brings my mind right back at you,
And the vicious circle of self-doubt and self-recriminations
Starts over again.

I'm a mad girl lost in endless love song,
Trapped in delusions so real,
That I don't know what reality means any more.

Between the startling dreams 
And the compelling voices in my head,
I wonder if I should die instead
And then people be saying that life is worth more than this
And I try to believe,
but the incessant pain only promise grieve.

So I sit here and wonder,
Will the day ever come,
When the insanity will wash away,
Like rain after a moody day in July.

And I know even as I wonder this,
That such is my life,
That insanity is like a cruel relative,
That you'd love to be rid off,
But just can't cause blood is thicker than water,
And insanity can never be rid of by those mindless pills prescibed by well-intentioned doctors.