Me and my feline friends

I have always adored cats. As long as I can remember, I have always been surrounded with cats, mine, other people's or strays on the street. Throughout 37 of my years there have been many cats that has taken pieces of my heart along with them.

Some are lost, some died, some had to be left behind, but the memories of the time they had imprinted in my life stays with me until today.

At present, I have only one cat, Shadow, but the neighbour's cat (and now her kittens) drops by daily. Well her kittens only started to show up today. And I'm loving it.

This is Shadow:

And this is the neighbour's cat and her kittens:

These are the cats that are warming my heart at the moment, but memories are still there for the two most recent losses.

The first loss is Grey, who after seven years of love moved on to the next life due to kidney failure attributed by her untreated diabetes. I miss her still. This was Grey:

And for the brief time of two months, this little kitten I named Baby stole my heart until 'A HEARTLESS WOMAN' threw her away. 

My cats. How much do they touch my life with their sweet cuddliness. And if someone says that I am going to grow old and become a crazy cat lady, I'd take that as the highest compliment because I have truly always been cat crazy.

Happy 70th Birthday Daddy!

Tomorrow it will be your 70th year on earth. 40 of which you have spend it with this family, who is now less one member of the unit since mom passed away almost six years ago. 

Here we are once all happy and complete as a whole family unit: 

That was then, and below is us now without mom:

Be it with or without mom, know that you are the cornerstone of our family unit and we love and respect you with all of our hearts. And we want you to know that you mean the world to us.

Throughout your 70 years you have been through a lot of ups and downs, and while we hate the down times we know you wouldn't be the same man that you are today without going through those hard moments in life.

After triumphing over so many letdowns, as we approach your 70th year tomorrow let us count 70 reasons why you should celebrate turning 70:

1. You are loved by your family and friends.
2. You are a great father.
3. You are a wonderful friend.
4. You were a loving husband.
5. You had the greatest wife who loved you till the end.
6. You raised three awesome kids!
7. You have lived an honest life.
8. You have the right values in life.
9. You never compromise your integrity.
10. You live life on your own terms.
11. You live the good life.
12. You have no regrets.
13. You don't take anyone for granted.
14. You never quit.
15. You have no fear.
16. You are loyal.
17. You are brave.
18. You are kind.
19. You are warm.
20. You are generous.
21. You are intelligent.
22. You are creative.
23. You are compassionate.
24. You are thoughtful.
25. You are insightful.
26. You are caring.
27. You are loving.
28. You are resilient.
29. You never give up.
30. You are resourceful.
31. You are dependable.
32. You are responsible.
33. You are independent.
34. You are quick on your feet.
35. You are witty.
36. You are optimistic.
37. You are a visionary.
38. You are charming.
39. You are charismatic.
40. You are entertaining.
41. You are multi-talented.
42. You are quick-witted.
43. You are an incredible poet.
44. You have published two great poetry anthologies.
45. Your success as a Malaysian film-director is unbeatable.
46. Your movie which you made in 1980 still holds the unbroken record for the most awards in a single Malaysian film festival.
47. You have many admirers - men and women alike.
48. You are respected and well liked by your peers.
49. You build people up.
50. You don't tear others down to make you feel bigger.
51. You live a life of service.
52. What you have in life, you share it with others.
53. You would make the whole world your friend if you could.
54. You live by example.
55. You are an example to others.
56. You are a great teacher.
57. You inspire so many people.
58. You are a great leader.
59. Throughout your life you always strive to be the best that you can be.
60. You always dream big.
61. You never take no for an answer.
62. You always get up when you fall down.
63. You never let anyone deter you from what you want.
64. You try your hardest to never break your promises.
65. You tell great stories.
66. You never let life beat you.
67. No matter how hard the problem in life gets, you always find a solution.
68. Life has given you more lemons than lemonades, but it never sour your outlook in life.
69. You always beat the odds against you
70. AND THE 70TH REASON WHY YOU SHOULD CELEBRATE TURNING 70 IS: YOU HAVE SURVIVED ANOTHER YEAR BY BEING YOU. 

HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY DADDY.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS.

MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS AND WISHES COME TRUE.

Musings

It has been a while since I last wrote anything here. I have already turned 37 and am thinking that my life is my life and all I have to show for it is who I am at this point in my life.

I know I wish I have a great story to tell about the big wonderful adventures that I have been on, or the great romances that I have fallen head over heels for... but alas my life is as ordinary as it can get with me being certifiable at intervals in my life.

I know to most my life is inconsequential, but I like the fact that to my family in the grand scheme of thing I am an integral part of our small unit, by which I provide them with sustenance and care. 

A most important purpose for everyone needs to eat and what will they eat if there's no one preparing the meals.

Lol. I feel silly suddenly with my self-importance at the normal day to day task that every mother does for the family. The fact that I'm no one's mother yet doesn't negate the fact that I mother everyone at home. Spoil them rotten with my cooking (which is quite respectable even if I do say so myself).

And all these long drivel is just musings from my need to write something after so long a silence.

So here I am, 3 days into my 37th year and I am still as I have always been. A family girl without her own personal family.

My battle

You know it's there;
Lurking in your mind somewhere,
Waiting at any given time,
To tear your life asunder yet again.

So you wait.
You worry.
Sometimes you forget but then your ever vigilant lil' brother queries you on why you are not sleeping,
And the reminder jackknifed you where it hurts;
Bringing back the nightmare of those dark times,
When your mind just wasn't,
And your sanity too in question.

And it's a waiting game,
That you are always afraid of losing,
And the echoes of the voices in your head,
Makes you that less convinced that the demon is far away,
And you pray and pray to a higher power,
That the day when it comes again,
Won't be near,
and won't be worse than those previous days; 
Nor last as long.

It has a name;
Schizo- affective disorder -
And it likes to shred my life to pieces,
And this is my terrible truth;
That my life is held at ransom,
By something that I could neither fathom nor overcome... and I wait... and wait for a future rife with uncertainty by what fate dictates and all I can do is ride the journey and hope I'll come out all right on the other side of my life's great divide.

Life made right

Faith was something she had long given up on. Just like she had given up on hopes and dreams. The cruel side of life has left her bitter and broken.

She had no reason to believe that there is still any good left in the world. At least not for her.

At 14, she had lost both her parents and two siblings on a car collision with a speeding driver who lost control of his wheel. 

She was sent to live with her miserable aunt who had nothing but hate in her heart for she had envied her mother who was her younger sister who seemed to have had the perfect life that she could not somehow emulate.

The accident was life made right for her aunt except for the fact that she still lived and her aunt, being her only living relative have to take care of her.

It had been almost four years since the accident and life under her aunt's thumb has been nothing but misery.

Her aunt was prone to losing her temper and although she was never physically abusive, her words were always painful and mean and it eroded at her self-worth.

The only upside to her miserable life at home was she would find any excuse to stay in school longer for school is the only place other than home where her aunt allowed her to be and thus her grades were perfect and she was a shoe in for college after winning a full scholarship.

All she had to do now was finish her secondary school education and move out of her aunt's life forever. When she reach 18 her aunt will no longer have any say in her life and all the assets which her parents had left behind after their demise will rightfully be hers to access freely.

The future did seem hopeful but years of being beaten down my meanness had eroded all sense of positivity from her.

She kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Kept waiting for things to go wrong with her plan but it never did.

She finished secondary school, moved out of her aunt's place back into her old house and went to college and finally after 4 years of nightmare she saw promise in the world again and perhaps now she would be able to move on from the dark place she had been living in after her entire family was taken from her.

Like the saying said it is always darkest before the dawn.

A year in review

2014: The aftermath of the apocalypse that was 2013. Trying to gain your sense of self after an intense bout with the relapsing of a mental condition is never fun, but always necessary and compulsory. 

Trying to take stock of all the self-harm you've done, adjusting once again to life after the tumultuous drama you have been through thanks to that insidious ailment in your mind, it is a right around ringer of a circus to go through, but go through it I must.

This year is all about getting my equilibrium back. Trying to bring my mind back in its rightful plane. Schooling myself to what reality is actually instead of the malarkey that my mind had me believe it was back when I was relapsing. 

Sometimes I still feel a bit off kilter, just enough to get me wondering if even a smidgen of what I believed while I was under the influence of my disorder could have actually been the truth.

But 99% of me actually lives in the same reality as everyone else now. It's just that the fact that there is still even 1% part of me that still thinks of the fantastical delusions I was living in, worries me. It means that there is still a part of me, no matter how minuscule that is still treading the insanity lines. 

However, small worry aside, I believe 2014 has been good enough for me in terms of my recovery. Life hasn't been all bad. I even managed to earn enough to buy me The Sims 4 which I had been eyeing since forever.

I just hope that, that tiny 1% wont blossom into a bigger percentage in my mind and bring me spiralling down yet again.

All in all, here's to hoping that the new year will see my mental health and my life in general vastly improving.

Cheers to all and happy new year 2015. Here's to hoping your coming year will be off to a good start.

Sanity?

You sit and stare,
You hope and pray,
That your mind won't go astray.

Your mind flits back to the time it wandered away;
Leaving you even as you try to make it stay,
And images of your uncontrolled self,
Haunts you with the terrifying reality,
That your safety hung by a thread lost along with your sanity.

You sit and stare,
You hope and pray,
Willing not to relive that kind of day.

Even as you cling to your sanity,
You know somewhere inside your mind,
Is that insidious disease that can overtake you -
any moment, any instance, any circumstance
even when you vigilantly try and guard your mind;

You are your weakest link,
You pray hard you won't yet again sink,
So you torture yourself and continue to think;

Is this the day the nightmare comes out to play?