Being Me and Facing Reality

Those who have faithfully followed my blog here would have figured out that I'm not all there sometimes. For a while in 2013 I suffered a really bad relapse of my schizo-affective disorder.

The new doctors in my new care facility revert my diagnosis to bi-polar but I know myself better and know that I actually suffer from schizo-affective disorder.

It's a part of who I am. A part of me that makes me, me.

It is a knowledge that I struggle to accept that there will always be a part of me that could at any time take over my life and take it to directions that I don't even dare contemplate even though I've been through the ringers with it a few times. 

It's a challenge daily to wake up and face a new day and wondering if I am normal today or if I show signs of relapsing.

A doctor I once was under the care of told me that sometimes you can tell when you are about to fall to that precipice and relapse and if you take measures enough you can prevent the relapse from happening.

I don't know if it is my over tired mind or if it's actually happening, but I feel out of sorts, like I'm there at the edge just waiting for a hair-trigger to push me into that abyss once more.

So I write this. And hope and pray that this will not be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hate to have to go through and put my family through another repeat of 2013.

I'm just writing this as a reminder for myself that I should always be vigilant and not let my mind wander and not let that spark of insanity back in my life.

Reality might not be as fun to contemplate as the delusions I am won't to get during relapse, but reality is the true reflection of what life is really like and I should never lose sight of what really matters just to ease the inadequacies and incompleteness that I suffer.

My emotions should not get the better of me. I can't afford to get sick. Each relapse become worse and worse. I'm afraid that there will come a day when the relapse is permanent and there will never be a normal me ever again.

I don't want to lose the real me while chasing some fantastical notion of my version of what I hope reality is actually like.

May Allah protect and guide me.