For you who knows me best

Because I feel too much, sometimes its hard to know if what I'm feeling is even real.

I don't Trust my emotions lately cause all they ever remind me is you and what I've lost.

I don't want to adress who you are because people will only say its my delusions anyway... and I'm not even sure if I am even sure who you are really anymore...

But you would know, cause you know the truth. That I never once stop loving you. All those letters I wrote to you... I don't even remember what I wrote them but I know I still mean every single word.

Cause the way I feel about you never changed, even though I try to pretend that you don't matter anymore... because it just hurts so much.

And you went and finally got married last June and now I don't know what to feel.

Because we were supposed to end up together and I'm now just falling apart... because everyday I miss you every day I think of you and every day you are not with me is every day that I feel death calling me.

I feel so empty inside. I can't hold back the tears everyday... I'm trying so hard to stay strong. To distract myself with the though that apparentlty my love just wasn't enough to hold you close..

I'm just so lost without you. I know you love me. I know ok... I feel it. I feel you... But I don't understand why you gave up on us... 

And now everyday just keeps getting harder as I think of you in her arms... living a life that I should have been allowed to live with you.

I don't care if people thinks I am crazy, because they don't know about us. They never knew about what we have, about what I have really lost, about why I went crazy last year and only now just recovering.

They don't know that I'm hurting cause you GAVE up on us. Because you didn't believe that I still love you. Because I've been silent for way too long and you thought I've forgotten all about you.

But I never did.

You haunt me. Everyday.

I'm just so hurt that you ddin't trust me enough. That you didn't believe I really loved you.

You've been hurting me for forever and you never knew. Because everyone thinks I'm in love with Nick. Even I believed that.... But I know I never let go of you... It just it hurts so much to see that you are not even trying to allow me glimpses of you.

YOU never TRUSTED what 15 year old me wrote to you for over two years without failed. You brushed it off as teenage idiolism. 

But you read the truth in my words. You know my love was true. And you never found out why I stopped writing all those years ago until way latter. And it just kills you to know why.

And I just can't accept the truth sometimes... that you are never secure enough in how I feel to risk everything on the line for what you thought was just a lie.

And it hurts. And I don't know how to go on with my life because each day you left me is each day that I lose a little bit of myself.

I miss you so much and I know this story will never have a good end. And I'm just so heartbroken.