Broken and unfixable

Because I loved you for forever and never thought in the slightest that you CARED.

My heart breaks everyday I think you don’t care and then you come on strong and tell me how much love had always been mine.

I love you more than I am able to articulate and I don’t know how to function without you inside me.

Each second I am away from you is a second I die deeper inside and all I want is to hold you close and be the girl you once remember me as such – happy and fearless with dreams that did not know how to quit.

I don’t know how to go on my darling heart. We are stuck, frozen in a past that won’t let us move forward because I am just stuck there at age 17 when my life was cruelly altered by a bastard who took something that he didn’t deserve to take and I know it wasn’t you and I could never forgive him no matter how much I might want to.

HE broke me and I don’t know how to be happy anymore Taj. I know You are hurting everyday I cry this useless tear and my head go round and round in circle...

I wish I am still that girl who wrote you those letters everyday and fill my dreams with all that I hoped and prayed we could be... but our lives... it was taken from us Taj.

Someone came in and burgled us from a happy existence and instead I am still here so depressed after 17 years and no amount of therapy is going to fix me.

Where?

Where are the words

That would heal,

That would mend,

That would fix,

This broken land I call a heart?

Where are the touches,

That would excite,

That would ignite,

That would glorify,

This barren field of my longing self?

Where are the glories of love

Whispered, promised and dreamt?

Where have the sands of time taken me,

That I am here alone and in loneliness

Without the words and the touches of another?

It was always you that I think of... that I want a life with. Nobody else and I don’t know how I can get back to that time when I wasn't BROKEN.

I am nothing now and I don’t know how I could move on and embrace a future that I see as nothing but BLEAK.

I’m dead inside Taj. I died the day he RAPED me and left me broken inside that no amount of love or compliments is ever going to fix my negative self belief.

I AM A PROSTITUTE. A SLUT. A WHORE.