For you who knows me best

Because I feel too much, sometimes its hard to know if what I'm feeling is even real.

I don't Trust my emotions lately cause all they ever remind me is you and what I've lost.

I don't want to adress who you are because people will only say its my delusions anyway... and I'm not even sure if I am even sure who you are really anymore...

But you would know, cause you know the truth. That I never once stop loving you. All those letters I wrote to you... I don't even remember what I wrote them but I know I still mean every single word.

Cause the way I feel about you never changed, even though I try to pretend that you don't matter anymore... because it just hurts so much.

And you went and finally got married last June and now I don't know what to feel.

Because we were supposed to end up together and I'm now just falling apart... because everyday I miss you every day I think of you and every day you are not with me is every day that I feel death calling me.

I feel so empty inside. I can't hold back the tears everyday... I'm trying so hard to stay strong. To distract myself with the though that apparentlty my love just wasn't enough to hold you close..

I'm just so lost without you. I know you love me. I know ok... I feel it. I feel you... But I don't understand why you gave up on us... 

And now everyday just keeps getting harder as I think of you in her arms... living a life that I should have been allowed to live with you.

I don't care if people thinks I am crazy, because they don't know about us. They never knew about what we have, about what I have really lost, about why I went crazy last year and only now just recovering.

They don't know that I'm hurting cause you GAVE up on us. Because you didn't believe that I still love you. Because I've been silent for way too long and you thought I've forgotten all about you.

But I never did.

You haunt me. Everyday.

I'm just so hurt that you ddin't trust me enough. That you didn't believe I really loved you.

You've been hurting me for forever and you never knew. Because everyone thinks I'm in love with Nick. Even I believed that.... But I know I never let go of you... It just it hurts so much to see that you are not even trying to allow me glimpses of you.

YOU never TRUSTED what 15 year old me wrote to you for over two years without failed. You brushed it off as teenage idiolism. 

But you read the truth in my words. You know my love was true. And you never found out why I stopped writing all those years ago until way latter. And it just kills you to know why.

And I just can't accept the truth sometimes... that you are never secure enough in how I feel to risk everything on the line for what you thought was just a lie.

And it hurts. And I don't know how to go on with my life because each day you left me is each day that I lose a little bit of myself.

I miss you so much and I know this story will never have a good end. And I'm just so heartbroken.

Terrified

Have you ever felt that your mind is playing tricks on you? That what is real is actually not and vice versa?

I just feel so lost nowadays and I don't know what troubles me so.

Apparently my delusions are catching up with me and running me down.

These thoughts that won't relent and I'm just spiralling all over the place and I don't know what to believe anymore.

Has everything that I experienced my entire life been a lie that I keep telling myself? Are the letters? Mails? The games we play? Are they all fabrication?

GOD DAMN IT! Is my entire life a lie?

Am I even alive now or have I died and not realised? Maybe I left behind my body but for certain sometimes I feel as if my soul is no longer here.

I AM NOT HER. I am nobody. Just a shell. I'm tired of fighting what seesm the world everytime I try to find some form of happiness. Like I wrote once a long time ago, the world just cannot stand to see me happy.

Becaue you love me

Because you love me when I have no strength left to love myself...
Because you showed me that love never left
Because you gave me strength when I have none to speak off
Because you made me BELIEVE when FAITH was long gone.

Because JUSTIN you showed me your world and I saw the same hurt reflected in your heart
Because I feel the same pain that you try to hide,
Because you are misunderstood and we share the same fantasy of otherwordly delights,
Because you are my wrongs made right.

TQ for the time you spent vested in me,
Here's to wishing it could last just more than my dreams would allow.

I love you and I'm here for you.

Nightmare

How do you tell them what worries you when you know top them it's just going to be another paranoia or delusion brought on by your psychiatric problem?

How do you tell your dad, your sis and your brother that your Mom has been haunting you since she left earth and has been calling you to join her since the first time you first started having those dreams...

That you even dream god saying to you that your days are numbered...

What if I die tomorrow and my family doesn't know how much I loved them? That the world never knew about the stories that I have to tell them... what if I died never experiencing true joy? What if I died and my life have been nothing but living a life in vain - pointless and wasteful?

Once a long time ago when I was around 15 or 16 I used to sing this rhyme I made my self = if I die, would you cry, bye, bye?

Nothing is as lonely as the thought that should you be gone tomorrow, no one would care or even be concerned that you lived at all...

Empty

All the pretty, beautiful things in life all the colours I paint my life now is totally obscured by the bleakness that I feel.

I don't know the balancing act that my bi-polarity is going to head towards now but at this moment all I feel is overwhelmingly sad. Not depreseed, no... just sad... like a tragic heroine of old... like Buttercup in the princess bride who lost her westley at sea... 

Of course I went through a really tough few week where I was really suicidal and saw no hope left in  me to go on cause i was just really broken hearted... now I am just trying to adjust to a live back where I was living for the lat 8 years, empty but superficially functioning... It's either that or mania and depression... Normal as anyone else felt I've lost at the age of 16 when I gave up any hope of a life when the boy I've loved sine I was 12 left me for good and I know my heart left this earth with him....

I don't know if I'll ever get back my heart/part of my soul until I feel my heart skipped a beat once more like the last time I ever laid eyes on LSM.

I know it might seems overtly dramatic or stupidtly pointless, but the day my angel left me, I lost a part of me that I can never regain. I've lived another lifetime without him and I managed a semblance of a life, crazy as it had been after my troubled twenties... I thought I've settled down after I lost my mom... Just the usual emptiness of not having Mommy around.

But life had started to look promising again since last year up until Jun when I felt my heart wanting to restart itself again and I have been searching every which way who is it that was responsible to rekindling the dearth of feelings I have been navigating away from... only to get burn every where I look...

And now I am just tired. 

JUSTIN BIEBER THE KEY - OFFICIAL FRAGRANCE COMMERCIAL Macy's

The REAL reason why I AM RUNNING AWAY

 0800 hrs. 8/7/2013,

My Office, Bukit Jalil,

     Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Dear Nick,

            I know I should do this in person and not tell you what I have to say in this letter. However, I do not trust myself not to cave in and give in to your persuasion and sweet talk were I to tell you this in person.

Forgive me for not being strong enough. L

I know you promised that things will work out, that we will be able to overcome the odds in the end. It isn’t that I don’t believe you, not that I don’t trust you or have faith in you; the thing is, I am doing this because I cannot bear to see you throw away your life and what you have worked so hard to achieve for the sake of our relationship.

I know you and I have never been in love with anyone else other than with each other. I know we were created to be each other’s other half.

You are my eternal soul mate and I am yours. I know our bond and attachment is priceless and that is a gift that we must not squander and treat as a trifle matter.

Knowing all these, there is something else that trumps each of those very strong undeniable reasons; our lives just were not meant to collide.

Nick, I know what I am and what I am not. The same applies to you.

I am a simple, normal, under-achieving, mentally and physically challenged old maid.

You on the other hand are ridiculously far from leading a simple, normal regular life that the notion that you could ever change and be a regular Joe who as a regular 9-5 job and be in a relationship with a regular Jane is not only laughable, it is not feasible at all nor is it very logical.

I do not know what trickery Fate is playing on us when It decided to create the two of us as an inseparable whole, but I am tired of accepting Fate’s decree when I cannot in all good conscience accept Its wicked insistence that you and I were meant for each other when I know for a fact that in all the ways, hows and whys of the world, you and I just do not make much sense being together. It does not compute. It is not logical. And it cannot in any circumstances real or imaginable be anything resembling or imitating something which could be acceptable.

So, my darling Kyle, I have to break our hearts and say goodbye to you and hope you will respect my decision and accept it as gracefully and with as much understanding an acceptance as you can manage while nursing a broken heart.

I love you and always will and I have a feeling I will never love another man for the rest of my remaining life as I have passionately, sincerely, genuinely, deeply and eternally, loved you for 17 years.

I am sorry it has to end this way and that we failed to reach our Elysium together because I just cannot bear to see you being in constant consternation about our very complicated relationship.

I wish you well and hope that your heart will mend and you will be able to love once more, if not as deeply as you have loved me but at the least moderately love someone else in the future enough for you to be able to conceive a life with her.

I love you and always will, now and forever, till the day I leave this earth and beyond, per chance I am lucky enough to be accepted in Heaven.

Forgive me.

  

                                                                                                     Your forever love,

                                                                                                               Hani