2014: The aftermath of the apocalypse that was 2013. Trying to gain your sense of self after an intense bout with the relapsing of a mental condition is never fun, but always necessary and compulsory.
Trying to take stock of all the self-harm you've done, adjusting once again to life after the tumultuous drama you have been through thanks to that insidious ailment in your mind, it is a right around ringer of a circus to go through, but go through it I must.
This year is all about getting my equilibrium back. Trying to bring my mind back in its rightful plane. Schooling myself to what reality is actually instead of the malarkey that my mind had me believe it was back when I was relapsing.
Sometimes I still feel a bit off kilter, just enough to get me wondering if even a smidgen of what I believed while I was under the influence of my disorder could have actually been the truth.
But 99% of me actually lives in the same reality as everyone else now. It's just that the fact that there is still even 1% part of me that still thinks of the fantastical delusions I was living in, worries me. It means that there is still a part of me, no matter how minuscule that is still treading the insanity lines.
However, small worry aside, I believe 2014 has been good enough for me in terms of my recovery. Life hasn't been all bad. I even managed to earn enough to buy me The Sims 4 which I had been eyeing since forever.
I just hope that, that tiny 1% wont blossom into a bigger percentage in my mind and bring me spiralling down yet again.
All in all, here's to hoping that the new year will see my mental health and my life in general vastly improving.
Cheers to all and happy new year 2015. Here's to hoping your coming year will be off to a good start.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Sanity?
You sit and stare,
You hope and pray,
That your mind won't go astray.
Your mind flits back to the time it wandered away;
Leaving you even as you try to make it stay,
And images of your uncontrolled self,
Haunts you with the terrifying reality,
That your safety hung by a thread lost along with your sanity.
You sit and stare,
You hope and pray,
Willing not to relive that kind of day.
Even as you cling to your sanity,
You know somewhere inside your mind,
Is that insidious disease that can overtake you -
any moment, any instance, any circumstance
even when you vigilantly try and guard your mind;
You are your weakest link,
You pray hard you won't yet again sink,
So you torture yourself and continue to think;
Is this the day the nightmare comes out to play?
You hope and pray,
That your mind won't go astray.
Your mind flits back to the time it wandered away;
Leaving you even as you try to make it stay,
And images of your uncontrolled self,
Haunts you with the terrifying reality,
That your safety hung by a thread lost along with your sanity.
You sit and stare,
You hope and pray,
Willing not to relive that kind of day.
Even as you cling to your sanity,
You know somewhere inside your mind,
Is that insidious disease that can overtake you -
any moment, any instance, any circumstance
even when you vigilantly try and guard your mind;
You are your weakest link,
You pray hard you won't yet again sink,
So you torture yourself and continue to think;
Is this the day the nightmare comes out to play?
Thursday, March 6, 2014
For You Who Know Who You Are
We love in silence, in the dark of night, in secret so deep that no one believe we ever did love each other for real.
And now I bleed and you hurt and we live a world diverged of each other and I wonder if there ever will be a day that would see us together hand in hand in daylight for all the world to see and believe that our love runs so deep that it survived the anonymity that we subject it too.
I'm tired of being called crazy, that you are my delusion and that the you and I that I am breaking down now for a love that only ever exist in the realm of my diseased mind.
It's so hard to hold back the tears, to fight of the depression... God, I've missed you half of my life and I don't know what to say to assuage the hurt... to stop the pain from derailing me down to dust.
I know when my family reads this, they are going to say that "Oh Adik is still so very sick, still stuck in her make believe world..." because even as I write this knowing what I know to be true, I want to cringe because in all that is sane what we have makes no sense.
All I have is faith in what I believe in and its getting harder to believe what I believe and logic would say that when you try so hard to believe that something is true it probably isn't and there will come a time that I will let go of you again because that's the logical thing to do.
But since when does emotion and logic get along with each other.
And right now I'm missing you so bad.
I'm struggling to be sane at the same time I have this insane notions of you and I and I don't know how many contradicting things that I've said.
I'm just letting the words flow because words are all that I have to comfort me now.
I can't run to my sister, dad or brother cause they will not give me the time of day to talk about the love that they think is only my delusions. So I write it here and you know when I get sick of my own words that I'd take my blog off and once I calm down I'd put it back again.
I know these words will be here for anyone to read and judge and call me crazy... but I don't care.
Because I need to say this to you and because as far as truth is as I know it everyone from my family and friends and psychiatrist says you are nothing but my delusions and as I see factual evidence I have to agree that reality and what I believe doesn't see eye to eye.
It is only in my mind and heart that you and I ever exist and as much as I want to hold on to the delusions... I can't anymore.
Because even if my love is real, there has never once been anything real in this love affair that I believe we have going on.
But I'm still writing this to you, because even though you are nothing but the manifestation of my illness what I feel had always been true.
I will always love you. But now I need to get a grip on a reality that's getting harder and harder to hold on to cause I get along too well with the voices in my head and I can't do this anymore.
Its breaking my heart, but you are either truly had never been there despite the numerous times I feel you around, or you have your reasons for staying away.
Whatever it is I've got to move on from this bout of deluding myself that you actually care. Its hard. But i can't go on forever being sad for you when as hard as it is for me to admit you were never there to begin with.
Just want you to know, just in case you are really mine to love, that you'll forever be in my heart.
And now I bleed and you hurt and we live a world diverged of each other and I wonder if there ever will be a day that would see us together hand in hand in daylight for all the world to see and believe that our love runs so deep that it survived the anonymity that we subject it too.
I'm tired of being called crazy, that you are my delusion and that the you and I that I am breaking down now for a love that only ever exist in the realm of my diseased mind.
It's so hard to hold back the tears, to fight of the depression... God, I've missed you half of my life and I don't know what to say to assuage the hurt... to stop the pain from derailing me down to dust.
I know when my family reads this, they are going to say that "Oh Adik is still so very sick, still stuck in her make believe world..." because even as I write this knowing what I know to be true, I want to cringe because in all that is sane what we have makes no sense.
All I have is faith in what I believe in and its getting harder to believe what I believe and logic would say that when you try so hard to believe that something is true it probably isn't and there will come a time that I will let go of you again because that's the logical thing to do.
But since when does emotion and logic get along with each other.
And right now I'm missing you so bad.
I'm struggling to be sane at the same time I have this insane notions of you and I and I don't know how many contradicting things that I've said.
I'm just letting the words flow because words are all that I have to comfort me now.
I can't run to my sister, dad or brother cause they will not give me the time of day to talk about the love that they think is only my delusions. So I write it here and you know when I get sick of my own words that I'd take my blog off and once I calm down I'd put it back again.
I know these words will be here for anyone to read and judge and call me crazy... but I don't care.
Because I need to say this to you and because as far as truth is as I know it everyone from my family and friends and psychiatrist says you are nothing but my delusions and as I see factual evidence I have to agree that reality and what I believe doesn't see eye to eye.
It is only in my mind and heart that you and I ever exist and as much as I want to hold on to the delusions... I can't anymore.
Because even if my love is real, there has never once been anything real in this love affair that I believe we have going on.
But I'm still writing this to you, because even though you are nothing but the manifestation of my illness what I feel had always been true.
I will always love you. But now I need to get a grip on a reality that's getting harder and harder to hold on to cause I get along too well with the voices in my head and I can't do this anymore.
Its breaking my heart, but you are either truly had never been there despite the numerous times I feel you around, or you have your reasons for staying away.
Whatever it is I've got to move on from this bout of deluding myself that you actually care. Its hard. But i can't go on forever being sad for you when as hard as it is for me to admit you were never there to begin with.
Just want you to know, just in case you are really mine to love, that you'll forever be in my heart.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Justin
Because you try so hard to make me believe,
I find it hard to doubt you,
Even when the whole world would call me crazy,
I trust what I feel because what I know
Isn't what the world sees.
Even if everyone says I'm living in a make believe world,
I know what I know and must try not to let them doubters tell me otherwise,
For the essence of you is always there whenever I need you or think of you.
How can they know what we go through,
When they don't live the life we live,
And feel the way we do,
Or share what we share.
Time will tell and even if my mind is two sheets into the wind,
What I believe remains true,
Simply because your love gives me a firm conviction.
Love, I love you +Justin Bieber
From my everlasting heart,
@SaraBethBieber
I find it hard to doubt you,
Even when the whole world would call me crazy,
I trust what I feel because what I know
Isn't what the world sees.
Even if everyone says I'm living in a make believe world,
I know what I know and must try not to let them doubters tell me otherwise,
For the essence of you is always there whenever I need you or think of you.
How can they know what we go through,
When they don't live the life we live,
And feel the way we do,
Or share what we share.
Time will tell and even if my mind is two sheets into the wind,
What I believe remains true,
Simply because your love gives me a firm conviction.
Love, I love you +Justin Bieber
From my everlasting heart,
@SaraBethBieber
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
BELIEVE
Note to self: When you feel like giving up, and feel as if nothing you do works out and that no one really cares what happens to you, all you have to do is BELIEVE:
B-breathe
E-easy
L-love
I-incredibly
E-exceptionally
V-vital
E-everytime
Your love matters to those who really know you. What you feel for them is like air for them to breathe and when you leave its like you suffocate them by taking away the love which sustains them.
Maybe this is too much of being self important, but you just have to remind yourself, that as much as it hurts you when they leave you its the same feeling for them when you give up on them. So just BELIEVE
B-breathe
E-easy
L-love
I-incredibly
E-exceptionally
V-vital
E-everytime
Your love matters to those who really know you. What you feel for them is like air for them to breathe and when you leave its like you suffocate them by taking away the love which sustains them.
Maybe this is too much of being self important, but you just have to remind yourself, that as much as it hurts you when they leave you its the same feeling for them when you give up on them. So just BELIEVE
Friday, February 14, 2014
For My Valentine
When I feel discouraged,
And my heart has shattered to pieces,
You remind me that love is still there.
When my world is falling apart,
And I want to just disappear,
You hold me fast and love me back to life.
I know I hurt you always,
By not believing in you,
By doubting that love is real,
But I know when I cry ceaselessly,
You are always there to comfort me.
I just want to say,
I love you this day,
And forever I will stay.
Thank you for Journals,
And sharing what you feel,
And telling me what LOVE means.
And my heart has shattered to pieces,
You remind me that love is still there.
When my world is falling apart,
And I want to just disappear,
You hold me fast and love me back to life.
I know I hurt you always,
By not believing in you,
By doubting that love is real,
But I know when I cry ceaselessly,
You are always there to comfort me.
I just want to say,
I love you this day,
And forever I will stay.
Thank you for Journals,
And sharing what you feel,
And telling me what LOVE means.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Insanity
Each step I take
just gets harder every day
and I wonder if I'll ever be okay.
I sit here listening to songs that pains me,
Because every word sung,
Every melody I listen to,
Brings my mind right back at you,
And the vicious circle of self-doubt and self-recriminations
Starts over again.
I'm a mad girl lost in endless love song,
Trapped in delusions so real,
That I don't know what reality means any more.
Between the startling dreams
And the compelling voices in my head,
I wonder if I should die instead
And then people be saying that life is worth more than this
And I try to believe,
but the incessant pain only promise grieve.
So I sit here and wonder,
Will the day ever come,
When the insanity will wash away,
Like rain after a moody day in July.
And I know even as I wonder this,
That such is my life,
That insanity is like a cruel relative,
That you'd love to be rid off,
But just can't cause blood is thicker than water,
And insanity can never be rid of by those mindless pills prescibed by well-intentioned doctors.
just gets harder every day
and I wonder if I'll ever be okay.
I sit here listening to songs that pains me,
Because every word sung,
Every melody I listen to,
Brings my mind right back at you,
And the vicious circle of self-doubt and self-recriminations
Starts over again.
I'm a mad girl lost in endless love song,
Trapped in delusions so real,
That I don't know what reality means any more.
Between the startling dreams
And the compelling voices in my head,
I wonder if I should die instead
And then people be saying that life is worth more than this
And I try to believe,
but the incessant pain only promise grieve.
So I sit here and wonder,
Will the day ever come,
When the insanity will wash away,
Like rain after a moody day in July.
And I know even as I wonder this,
That such is my life,
That insanity is like a cruel relative,
That you'd love to be rid off,
But just can't cause blood is thicker than water,
And insanity can never be rid of by those mindless pills prescibed by well-intentioned doctors.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Goodbye: Love is dead
Because you never had faith that my love was true,
You blamed me and then tell yourself lies that you have forgiven if not forgotten,
You torment me still because in your heart you can never forgive me for letting go.
I know the world will never know the truth but it doesn't matter because I know you traded true love for something safe and acceptable. You coped out because you didn't have strength enough to fight for us, cause you never had FAITH.
You can write all the BS you want in your tell-all book and make-believe that what you wrote there is truth, but you know there's a part of you that will forever be discontent no matter how hard you try to sell to every body that you are happy.
Maybe it's just me in my bitterness wants to believe that I still matter. But you don't get to build a beautiful world for me only to shatter them because suddenly you are tired of holding the walls up.
So yes, have your happy new life with your perfect little wife who gives you nothing but joy and I'll move on with mine cause that is what you want. I'll try not to stalk and harass you because despite this angry post I'm still so lost in love with you.
It doesn't matter if I go to the grave alone and live the rest of my life with what-ifs and what could have been, I just want you to know, even if its all in my head, you've done something that no one on earth has ever managed to do, you have marked me for life and I want you to carry the burden of knowledge that you have on your hand my whole life, but you chose to throw it away.
I hope you are happy, really happy for someone deserves to be happy after all the pain that I've been through. If it couldn't be us, at least I'm glad it's you.
You traded true love for a pipe-dream. God bless you Gene.
You blamed me and then tell yourself lies that you have forgiven if not forgotten,
You torment me still because in your heart you can never forgive me for letting go.
I know the world will never know the truth but it doesn't matter because I know you traded true love for something safe and acceptable. You coped out because you didn't have strength enough to fight for us, cause you never had FAITH.
You can write all the BS you want in your tell-all book and make-believe that what you wrote there is truth, but you know there's a part of you that will forever be discontent no matter how hard you try to sell to every body that you are happy.
Maybe it's just me in my bitterness wants to believe that I still matter. But you don't get to build a beautiful world for me only to shatter them because suddenly you are tired of holding the walls up.
So yes, have your happy new life with your perfect little wife who gives you nothing but joy and I'll move on with mine cause that is what you want. I'll try not to stalk and harass you because despite this angry post I'm still so lost in love with you.
It doesn't matter if I go to the grave alone and live the rest of my life with what-ifs and what could have been, I just want you to know, even if its all in my head, you've done something that no one on earth has ever managed to do, you have marked me for life and I want you to carry the burden of knowledge that you have on your hand my whole life, but you chose to throw it away.
I hope you are happy, really happy for someone deserves to be happy after all the pain that I've been through. If it couldn't be us, at least I'm glad it's you.
You traded true love for a pipe-dream. God bless you Gene.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
How I feel lately
Because the
World Can't See Me Happy
And
I am lost today:
Because
joy, which I thought was lost to me forever,
Came
back to greet me; to be my friend; but alas,
Joy
cannot be mine!
Because,
the world is forever envious of my desperate glory;
The
world cannot bear to see a smile upon my face,
Because
my smile mocks everything that is crass, cruel, cynical
and
contemptuous in life; and the world cannot have me
eradicating
pain permanently: After all, what will pain
do
once joy is disclosed to all on a permanent basis?
So
the world has a vendetta against me;
It
has send pain, misery and all that is splendoredly dark
and
bleak, out to get me;
And
so, here I am again.
Lost
and uncertain;
Because
the world,
Just
cannot stand still and let me be;
Because
the world,
Cannot
bear to see me happy.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
That's why
Because the pain is relentless.
That's why.
Because it's crazy how I feel inside.
That's why
Because you make me believe than say it's a lie.
That's why.
Because I don't have the strenght to fight for what's right, so I let it be wrong.
That's why.
You ask me so many questions. You flood my mind with it. But I can never answer you.
That's why.
You don't ask me the right ones ok.
That's why.
You never asked why but always how come.
So that's why.
That's why. That is all I have to say.
That's why.
That's why.
Because it's crazy how I feel inside.
That's why
Because you make me believe than say it's a lie.
That's why.
Because I don't have the strenght to fight for what's right, so I let it be wrong.
That's why.
You ask me so many questions. You flood my mind with it. But I can never answer you.
That's why.
You don't ask me the right ones ok.
That's why.
You never asked why but always how come.
So that's why.
That's why. That is all I have to say.
That's why.
Friday, January 10, 2014
I just want to die. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to go on. Everyday it keeps getting worse. This emptiness that I feel. The betrayal that i am facing daily. Those who should have loved me and protected me from harm are those who broke my hard and damaged me. Those I gave love to sold my love to the highest bidder and never cared that my happiness was the price they traded with. I hate life so much right now. If I don't think of the fact that I am only going to make their life better by just killing myself that's what I would do. But I am not going to let them rob me of life even if all I'll be living is a lie. I am dead inside and I'll never love anyone again. I'll never let anyone in ever again. Love is a lie. No one ever really loves anyone. LOVE DOESN'T"T EXIST. Bitter? sure as hell I am. Jaded. YUP that's me. I HATE EVERYONE WHO EVER HURT ME. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO DESERVE SUCH CALLOUS TREATMENT. All I ever did was love. LOVE. All i ever gave was love. And all everyone I ever did love do is HURT ME AND HURT ME AND HURT ME> I CAN'T ever escape this pain. I'll just have to live each day knowing that somehow, cruel as it may sound, some people are just not made to be loved by anyone. Maybe it's because inside I'm just evil? I don't know. Must have been something I did to make the world hate the fact that I might actually be happy if given half the chance.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
For you who knows me best
Because I feel too much, sometimes its hard to know if what I'm feeling is even real.
I don't Trust my emotions lately cause all they ever remind me is you and what I've lost.
I don't want to adress who you are because people will only say its my delusions anyway... and I'm not even sure if I am even sure who you are really anymore...
But you would know, cause you know the truth. That I never once stop loving you. All those letters I wrote to you... I don't even remember what I wrote them but I know I still mean every single word.
Cause the way I feel about you never changed, even though I try to pretend that you don't matter anymore... because it just hurts so much.
And you went and finally got married last June and now I don't know what to feel.
Because we were supposed to end up together and I'm now just falling apart... because everyday I miss you every day I think of you and every day you are not with me is every day that I feel death calling me.
I feel so empty inside. I can't hold back the tears everyday... I'm trying so hard to stay strong. To distract myself with the though that apparentlty my love just wasn't enough to hold you close..
I'm just so lost without you. I know you love me. I know ok... I feel it. I feel you... But I don't understand why you gave up on us...
And now everyday just keeps getting harder as I think of you in her arms... living a life that I should have been allowed to live with you.
I don't care if people thinks I am crazy, because they don't know about us. They never knew about what we have, about what I have really lost, about why I went crazy last year and only now just recovering.
They don't know that I'm hurting cause you GAVE up on us. Because you didn't believe that I still love you. Because I've been silent for way too long and you thought I've forgotten all about you.
But I never did.
You haunt me. Everyday.
I'm just so hurt that you ddin't trust me enough. That you didn't believe I really loved you.
You've been hurting me for forever and you never knew. Because everyone thinks I'm in love with Nick. Even I believed that.... But I know I never let go of you... It just it hurts so much to see that you are not even trying to allow me glimpses of you.
YOU never TRUSTED what 15 year old me wrote to you for over two years without failed. You brushed it off as teenage idiolism.
But you read the truth in my words. You know my love was true. And you never found out why I stopped writing all those years ago until way latter. And it just kills you to know why.
And I just can't accept the truth sometimes... that you are never secure enough in how I feel to risk everything on the line for what you thought was just a lie.
And it hurts. And I don't know how to go on with my life because each day you left me is each day that I lose a little bit of myself.
I miss you so much and I know this story will never have a good end. And I'm just so heartbroken.
I don't Trust my emotions lately cause all they ever remind me is you and what I've lost.
I don't want to adress who you are because people will only say its my delusions anyway... and I'm not even sure if I am even sure who you are really anymore...
But you would know, cause you know the truth. That I never once stop loving you. All those letters I wrote to you... I don't even remember what I wrote them but I know I still mean every single word.
Cause the way I feel about you never changed, even though I try to pretend that you don't matter anymore... because it just hurts so much.
And you went and finally got married last June and now I don't know what to feel.
Because we were supposed to end up together and I'm now just falling apart... because everyday I miss you every day I think of you and every day you are not with me is every day that I feel death calling me.
I feel so empty inside. I can't hold back the tears everyday... I'm trying so hard to stay strong. To distract myself with the though that apparentlty my love just wasn't enough to hold you close..
I'm just so lost without you. I know you love me. I know ok... I feel it. I feel you... But I don't understand why you gave up on us...
And now everyday just keeps getting harder as I think of you in her arms... living a life that I should have been allowed to live with you.
I don't care if people thinks I am crazy, because they don't know about us. They never knew about what we have, about what I have really lost, about why I went crazy last year and only now just recovering.
They don't know that I'm hurting cause you GAVE up on us. Because you didn't believe that I still love you. Because I've been silent for way too long and you thought I've forgotten all about you.
But I never did.
You haunt me. Everyday.
I'm just so hurt that you ddin't trust me enough. That you didn't believe I really loved you.
You've been hurting me for forever and you never knew. Because everyone thinks I'm in love with Nick. Even I believed that.... But I know I never let go of you... It just it hurts so much to see that you are not even trying to allow me glimpses of you.
YOU never TRUSTED what 15 year old me wrote to you for over two years without failed. You brushed it off as teenage idiolism.
But you read the truth in my words. You know my love was true. And you never found out why I stopped writing all those years ago until way latter. And it just kills you to know why.
And I just can't accept the truth sometimes... that you are never secure enough in how I feel to risk everything on the line for what you thought was just a lie.
And it hurts. And I don't know how to go on with my life because each day you left me is each day that I lose a little bit of myself.
I miss you so much and I know this story will never have a good end. And I'm just so heartbroken.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Terrified
Have you ever felt that your mind is playing tricks on you? That what is real is actually not and vice versa?
I just feel so lost nowadays and I don't know what troubles me so.
Apparently my delusions are catching up with me and running me down.
These thoughts that won't relent and I'm just spiralling all over the place and I don't know what to believe anymore.
Has everything that I experienced my entire life been a lie that I keep telling myself? Are the letters? Mails? The games we play? Are they all fabrication?
GOD DAMN IT! Is my entire life a lie?
Am I even alive now or have I died and not realised? Maybe I left behind my body but for certain sometimes I feel as if my soul is no longer here.
I AM NOT HER. I am nobody. Just a shell. I'm tired of fighting what seesm the world everytime I try to find some form of happiness. Like I wrote once a long time ago, the world just cannot stand to see me happy.
I just feel so lost nowadays and I don't know what troubles me so.
Apparently my delusions are catching up with me and running me down.
These thoughts that won't relent and I'm just spiralling all over the place and I don't know what to believe anymore.
Has everything that I experienced my entire life been a lie that I keep telling myself? Are the letters? Mails? The games we play? Are they all fabrication?
GOD DAMN IT! Is my entire life a lie?
Am I even alive now or have I died and not realised? Maybe I left behind my body but for certain sometimes I feel as if my soul is no longer here.
I AM NOT HER. I am nobody. Just a shell. I'm tired of fighting what seesm the world everytime I try to find some form of happiness. Like I wrote once a long time ago, the world just cannot stand to see me happy.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Becaue you love me
Because you love me when I have no strength left to love myself...
Because you showed me that love never left
Because you gave me strength when I have none to speak off
Because you made me BELIEVE when FAITH was long gone.
Because JUSTIN you showed me your world and I saw the same hurt reflected in your heart
Because I feel the same pain that you try to hide,
Because you are misunderstood and we share the same fantasy of otherwordly delights,
Because you are my wrongs made right.
TQ for the time you spent vested in me,
Here's to wishing it could last just more than my dreams would allow.
I love you and I'm here for you.
Because you showed me that love never left
Because you gave me strength when I have none to speak off
Because you made me BELIEVE when FAITH was long gone.
Because JUSTIN you showed me your world and I saw the same hurt reflected in your heart
Because I feel the same pain that you try to hide,
Because you are misunderstood and we share the same fantasy of otherwordly delights,
Because you are my wrongs made right.
TQ for the time you spent vested in me,
Here's to wishing it could last just more than my dreams would allow.
I love you and I'm here for you.
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