Searching for answers

33 turning on 34 this year I have spent the majority of my adult life searching for answers to my life questions.

Why have I always been single and never been in a relationship? What am I doing with my life? What defines me as a person when I have no career to define my status as an adult? Where is my life headed? What will become of me when I'm old and grey and alone still?

These questions haunts me daily and likewise the search for answers to these questions dogs my step every day that I spend on this earth alive and breathing.

I try to find these answers to validate my existence on earth, to know that somehow my life matters. These answers I am looking for are not trivial and neither are they futile despite the hard time I am having in finding them. These answers matters because they will allow me to clearly understand what my purpose in life is.

Author Mitch Albom says, "“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

A sound advice I should heed and perhaps the answers to my questions about life lies somewhere in that sage advice.

However sound the quote from Albom is, I still have to figure out for myself the answers to all the questions that has been hounding my step ever since I turned the other side of twenty and realized that my life wasn't turning out as I had expected it too.

A number of upheavals and stumbling-blocks in my journey from a fresh faced 15 year old who felt that life was her own personal playground to do with as she pleased to a scarred and jaded 33-turning-34 dependent woman who has no real say in her own life, has left me with more questions and still no concrete answers.

Suffice is to say my life up until now and seemingly on-wards until a certain undefined time in the future, is to search for answers that might or might not be found to these plaguing questions I have failed to answer for over a decade now.

Perhaps, Sweedish Statesman and United Nations official, Dag Hammarskjold who says “In the last analysis, it is our conception of death which decides our answers to all the questions that life puts to us” holds the key to my quandary.

Maybe in the end, all these questions will be answered by the certainty that one day death will come and claim me as it does to each and everyone who lives and perhaps by then the answers would have been irrelevant or had answered itself. But until that day arrives, for certain I'll still be searching for answers.